That Akatsuki Cray!
by Kitty Slap
Summary: Crack-fic. This is a humorous piece. The Akatsuki members are ooc and over the top to add to the humor and pandemonium. It's just a series of crazy or "cray" drabbles about the Akatsuki. Enjoy!
1. That's Why My Hair Is So Big

**Author's Note**: Bored, so I wrote a crack-fic about Deidara and his hair because I thought it was funny. Let's see if this leads to more crack chapters about the Akatsuki. I'm sure I'll get weirdly inspired to write more crazy things.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Naruto or any of these hilarious Akatsuki Members. And be on the lookout for some _Mean Girls_ and _Clueless _Quotes turned a-la Akatsuki-esque. ;)

**That Akatsuki Cray!**

**Chapter One: That's Why My Hair is So Big—It's Full of Secrets**

Deidara cooed delightfully to himself as he set his fancy Conair brush down. He gave a single toss of his head. Damn, he was devilishly handsome. He couldn't help but wink at himself and allow one of the mouths on his hands to blow him a kiss. He heard the door creak open. An orange-masked Akatsuki member appeared. Deidara cringed. Every time he saw Tobi he wanted to stuff his head into a toilet and flush over and over. The perfect swirly for his stupid swirl mask. Deidara shot Tobi a look of annoyance. "You're intruding on my privacy, Tobi! I'm in a bathroom, you _freak_!"

"Sorry, Deidara. You didn't lock the door," Tobi whined as he shrunk down to the floor, arms waving in the air frantically.

"Whatever." Deidara crossed his arms angrily. How dare Tobi ruin his fabulous moment of self-admiring. It wasn't right. All the other Akatsuki members got to have the bathroom to themselves in peace. Why couldn't he? Deidara had half a mind to carry out the perfect swirly when another idea suddenly struck him like an explosion. "Oh. Em. Gee. I totally just finished brushing my hair 100 times and I'm gonna have to say that out of all the Akatsuki members, my hair is the best. Seriously, look at this wave of gold. It's so soft it makes me giggle. What do you think Tobi? Isn't my hair the BEST? Don't feel like you have to lie. You can tell me mine's the best."

Tobi was about to speak, but Deidara continued. "Okay, I'm gonna be _**real**_ for a second. I really do have the _best _hair of the Akatsuki. I mean look at it. It has such buoyancy! Such flair! Such shine and silky-smoothness! And _LOTS _of volume!"

"I have always wondered why your hair is so big," Tobi commented, sticking a lone finger towards Deidara's head to try and poke it. "Is it the explosives?"

Deidara smacked the hand away and spat. "Don't touch it! My hair is _not _explosive you stupid freakazoid! Like I'd put explosives into my beautiful hair. It's big because it's _full _of secrets!"

"Secrets?" Tobi asked in a whisper, as if someone would be listening in on them that very moment. Tobi leaned forward, a little too close in Deidara's opinion. "What kind of secrets? Like Akatsuki secrets?"

"NO!" Deidara roared, shaking Tobi by the neck as if to strangle him. He pushed him down on the floor where he laid listless and afraid. "Like hair care secrets, you _numskull_!" Tobi didn't move. He was too afraid that Deidara would do something more if he even breathed. Instead, he let Deidara calm down. After another wink or two at himself, Deidara was feeling much better and less hostile. "You can compliment me now. I'm _waaaaaaiiting._"

Tobi seemed to have reanimated himself at the thought of Deidara paying an ounce of real attention to him, even if it was self-centered attention. That was good enough for Tobi. He'd praise Deidara and be a good boy. "Deidara, your hair is _oh soooo pretty_, like a pretty pony! Itachi has such nice hair too though! It's so straight and slick and neat and black and soft. I can't decide who has better hair. You or Itachi."

Deidara's jaw set crooked as he glared at Tobi in disbelief. "Itachi? You _can't _be serious. He is _such _a Monét!"

"What's a Monét, Deidara?" Tobi slithered to the counter top and plopped decidedly next to Deidara's hairbrush. Deidara snatched the brush away as if Tobi would infect it with his idiocy. He began to brush his hair again. Once, twice, three times. He looked back at the mirror and saw a fabulous blonde gazing back at him. Toss, toss. Deidara grinned at his image, but that grin quickly disappeared once he caught sight of Tobi's goofy reflection.

"Wow, Tobi. You really _don't_ know anything. My man Sasori would have gotten the reference. A Monét, like the painting. It looks good from far away but up close it's just a _**big MESS**_. Just like Itachi and his hair. How dare you compare that _grease_ monkey to me! He doesn't have sassy blonde locks like me! I mean **look at me. **_I could be a model_." Deidara nearly spat out his words he was so upset with Tobi's insult.

"Deidara, don't you think that's being a little vain?" Tobi giggled at this.

"Vain? Oh, please. You know who's vain is Konan. She thinks she's _all that _because her hair is naturally purple." Deidara rolled his eyes and gave an overly emphasized flip of his hair, pretending to be Konan. "I'm Konan. My hair is purple and I think I'm super sassy! But really I'm just a big wig-wearing beezy!"

"I like Konan's purple hair! It's such a unique natural color and the way she styles it with her origami flower. I think it's very fetch of her!" Tobi exclaimed, waving his arms up and down and swinging his legs. He almost knocked down Deidara's expensive hair products, which earned him another disapproving glare. "I think her hair's the best!"

"Tobi, _stop _trying to make 'fetch' happen. It is _**never**_going to happen. And Konan? Are you serious? She is _so _pathetic. Let me tell you something about Konan. We were best friends when I first joined the Akatsuki. I know, right? It's so embarrassing. I don't even... Whatever." Deidara made a sour face before continuing. "So then my first year in, I got paired up with my man Sasori as a partner, who was totally deluded about art and thought it was eternal or some strange _shiz_ like that, but then he died-ironic right?- and Konan was like, weirdly jealous of him. Like, if I would blow her off to hang out with my man Sasori, she'd be like, 'Why didn't you call me back?' And I'd be like, 'Why are you so obsessed with me?' So then, for my birthday party, which was an all-girly _**men**_ members Akatsuki pool party, I was like, 'Konan, I can't invite you, because I think you're lesbian.' I mean I couldn't have a _**lesbian**_ at my girlish men party. There were gonna be _girly Akatsuki men_ there in their black with red clouds bathing suits. I mean, right? She was a _**LESBIAN**_. So then, my man Sasori called her partner Pain and started yelling at him, it was so retarded. And then she dropped out of the Akatsuki because no one would talk to her, and she came back in the fall, all of her hair was cut off and she was totally weird, and now I guess she's on crack." Deidara gave a nonchalant shrug.

"Are we still talking about hair, Deidara?" Tobi asked.

Deidara's vein bulged through his forehead. He felt a large migraine coming on and clutched at his head. He stared at his reflection in the mirror. A single hair was out of place. He'd gotten so ruffled and aggravated that a strand of hair had become unruly sometime during his tirade and was now sticking up like some Pee-Wee Herman shiz. Deidara took a deep breath and then calmly pushed the piece of hair back into the mass of golden waves. He smiled at the simple fix, admiring how subservient his hair was.

"Deidara, you sound kind of _jealous _of Konan if you ask me."

He could feel his eye twitching, his blood boiling and his body tensing rigidly. A hand pulled some clay out of his Akatsuki-esque a-la red cloud fanny pack and place into the other hand's mouth. "Tobi," Deidara breathed as his hands munched down on the clay, fervently and angrily.

"Yes, Deidara?" Tobi tilted his head at Deidara affectionately, hoping he'd get some warm embrace or kind words.

"Run fast."

Tobi gazed down to Deidara's hand's mouth, it spat out a solitary clay spider. He gulped. He didn't need another warning. Tobi threw open the bathroom door and began to run as fast as his legs would carry him. Deidara was hot on his trail. Tobi was frantic, unsure of what to do other than to compliment Deidara's hair in hopes that it would calm him. "Deidara, your hair is so lustrous and healthy! I can see the vitamins in it as I run!"

"That's not going to help you now, Tobi," screeched Deidara as he closed in on Tobi.

"It's so long like Princess Rapunzel!" Tears flew out from the hole in Tobi's mask, some of them smacking Deidara in the face and making his guy-liner run ever so slightly.

"Well, this long hair is going to send you to Hell!"

**Author's Note: **That's the end of the chapter. Let me know what you thought. If you found it humorous, crack-fic like, whatever. And if you have any ideas or things that you'd like to see between Akatsuki members, let me know and I'll get "cray" and write something silly.


	2. Akatsuki Costume Possibilities

**Author's Note**: Aw Laud, here I go again.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Naruto or any of these hilarious Akatsuki Members. This chapter and its theme are inspired by a funny Akatsuki video I saw on YouTube. It's just more elaborated upon. Be on the lookout for Twilight and Fight Club references. ;)

**That Akatsuki Cray!**

**Chapter Two: Akatsuki Costume Possibilities**

"I call this meeting to order at 6:07PM!" said the mystifyingly omnipotent leader of the Akatsuki known as Pain. "Does anyone have the minutes from the last meeting?"

Nine Akatsuki members stared at each other blankly. No one knew the answer.

"Anyone?" Pain repeated in an irate voice.

"I know! I know!" Tobi, who had appeared out of what seemed like nowhere, raised his hand as he jumped up and down excitedly. The nine Akatsuki members all sighed in unison. Tobi had managed to sneak into yet another not-so-secret meeting. "Ummm, how about… 2 minutes! That's how long it took me to sneak in! Can I be a member now?"

"Tobi, you cannot be a member of the Akatsuki!" Pain shouted as he slammed a gavel onto the desk that lay before him although he was greatly tempted to slam it against Tobi's face instead.

"Why not? Tobi is good boy!" He wailed, tears streaming down from the small hole in his mask.

"That's _exactly _why! You have to be sassy and dangerous!" Deidara had decided to break the silence of his fellow members and intervene. Tobi just didn't get it. To be in the Akatsuki, you had to be an S-Rank criminal. Not some identity-theft victim in an orange swirly mask with a single hole in it.

"I can be sassy and dangerous," Tobi cried out. "I promise! Please, please, please just let me sit in on the meeting!" Tobi got on his knees and had begun to beg. Amusing somewhat, but pathetic nonetheless.

"Fine," said Pain, giving in. He didn't have time to argue. It was better to get this meeting over with as fast as he could so he wouldn't be late to watch the season premiere of _The Vampire Diaries_. There had finally been some progress between Elena and Damon. There was no way that he could miss that. He'd adjourn the meeting early if he had to. "I guess you can stay, but don't talk. Just listen." Pain cleared his throat and looked out to his valued members, revealing a large notepad. The page read _Costume Possibilities?_ "Okay since no one knows the minutes from the last meeting we'll discuss costume possibilities since we do not yet have a uniform, and every evil organization should have some kind of ominous uniform. Agreed?"

"Agreed," cheered the other members. Deidara could feel himself getting worked up at the thought of designing something fabulous for him and his fellow members to wear. It made him feel cool to be a member of this ultra evil and totally secret club.

"Oh, I have an idea for the Akat-sooki uni-form!" Tobi's arm was raised. Again. His legs were quivering with excitement and his feet were stomping at the floor. He could hardly contain himself as he flip-flopped himself onto Pain's desk, now practically dancing on it with way too much enthusiasm.

"It's Akat-skee, you _idiot_!" Hidan pounded his triple-bladed scythe against the large meeting table, nearly taking one of Deidara's arms out as he did so.

"Watch it," Deidara snapped, withdrawing his hands from the table and folding them primly upon his lap. His hands were delicate and so were the mouths on it. How dare Hidan get so close to them with his stupid idea of a weapon. _Ridiculous._

"Anyway," Pain continued on, smacking Tobi effortlessly out of the way, "I think they should be black because black is mysterious." He saw that Kisame had raised his hand at this. "Yes, Kisame?"

"I like blue."

The other Akatsuki members rolled their eyes in contempt and irritation. Some made snarky comments, which earned them death glares from Kisame. He thought he heard someone call him a mermaid, but couldn't pinpoint exactly which member had said it.

"Moving on! Any other ideas?" Konan seemed to have something to say, but chose to keep it to herself by pursing her lips. "Yes, Konan? You had something to say?"

"Well, I thought maybe we should make it artistic and stylish."

Deidara scoffed. "_As if! _Like you know art or style, Konan." She was always trying to one-up him.

"Deidara-chan, kindly shut up and let her speak!" Hidan was waving his triple-blade again, this time aiming for the top of Deidara's head, who shrieked when the scythe neared him. Deidara's fabulous golden locks had a close call, but he'd managed to avoid it. He scribbled down a reminder in his notepad to never sit near Hidan at meetings again.

"I think we should let Sasori come up with the design." Konan folded her arms and flashed a smug smile at Deidara who just rolled his eyes and gave a haughty toss of his hair. There she went again, trying to one-up him. It made him sick.

Tobi had finally stripped himself off of the floor and plopped down on an imaginary chair next to the presentation pad that Pain had been working on. Underneath _Costume Possibilities? _It now read _black. _"What about a cape! Like Superman!" Tobi flapped his arms behind him and began to zip around the room making airplane noises as he did so.

"I'm not sure how I feel about a cape," said Kisame. "Aqua-Man didn't have a cape."

"Capes are for super _heroes_, you idiots!" Pain shook his fist at Tobi, causing him to quit his pretend game of superhero and sit back down cross-legged on the floor. "No capes." Tobi whimpered.

"May I have the floor?" Sasori croaked out, his beady puppet eyes gazing out at his fellow members.

"Yes, Sasori, please do."

"Akatsuki means dawn, so perhaps something that has to do with the dawn—" Sasori got cut off before he could finish his thought.

"Dawn? Like Breaking Dawn!" Orochimaru squealed, clapping his hands together. He tore open his robe to reveal a shirt underneath with the faces of Edward, Jacob and Bella screen printed onto it. "I love this idea. I'm Team Jacob! So I think we should put him on our villainous garments!"

"You _would_ be Team Jacob," Deidara accused. "You're _such _a pedophile, Oro."

"Oh, yeah?" Orochimaru slammed his hands against the table. "Let me guess your Team Sparkle Time Edward!"

"You bet I am!" Deidara was shouting now and his fists rose into the air. The mouths on his hands opened to growl and bare their teeth. He was ready to throw down with Orochimaru if he had to in order to prove to him which Twilight Shipper Team was the best!

"Shut up and focus," growled Pain. This meeting was quickly getting out of hand and off-topic. At this rate, he wasn't going to make it on time to see _The Vampire Diaries _and would have to watch it in poor quality online on some sketchy website. He was really beginning to regret not scheduling the meeting for an earlier time, but not everyone was able to make it an earlier time. Deidara had complained that he had a hair appointment at 4pm and that there was "noooo way" he could make it on time to the meeting.

"Let me just get out my idea, then you can discuss Twilight. You know I hate waiting."

"Oh, keep your pants on Pinocchio!" Orochimaru licked his lips. "You're just upset because you're Team Emmet and no one really cares about him.

Deidara giggled.

"Enough!" Pain smashed the gavel down aggressively and finally earned the room's silence. "Sasori, continue please."

"Anyway, I was thinking maybe some clouds would be nice. They're eternal."

"Clouds are totally ephemeral," Deidara argued.

"Eternal."

"Ephemeral."

"Eternal!"

"Ephemeral!"

"Who cares if they're short-lived or everlasting? Next topic. What color should the clouds be?"

"Black," Itachi stated.

"Black on black?" asked Kisame. "I still like blue."

"How about purple?" offered Konan.

"No!" spat Deidara. "Anything but purple. It's such a _fugly_ color!"

"Let's go with red," Sasori said pensively, "it reminds me of my nickname. Sasori of the red sand…"

"Red it is," agreed Pain, who was also a fan of the color red. He felt it was deliciously evil and wicked, which was just the kind of flair the new uniforms needed. "What about the type of garment?"

"I'd like something mysterious and lurking. Something I can wear in a back alley when I sell paraphernalia," Zetsu replied.

"Just don't do it on Akatsuki time. You know how I feel about drugs." Pain quickly scribbled down trench coat as an option on his big notepad. "Just because we're S-Rank Criminals doesn't mean we have to lower our standards and smoke pot."

"A trench coat," offered Kakazu. "It's suiting for a bounty hunter such as myself."

"How about a uni-tard?" Tobi chimed in cheerfully.

"A trench coat will hide my curves. I prefer a leotard like Tobi suggested." Deidara crossed his arms defiantly. How dare they expect him to cover up his divine curves? They were meant to be seen and admired!

"We are definitely _not _wearing some feminine leotard, you tranny." Kakazu was not about to sport some leotard into his bounty office with the head of some wanted Nin. He'd be the laughing stock of the entire bounty hunters association. They'd never let him live it down and a top of that, they might just put a pretty price on his head as a joke.

"I am not a transvestite. How rude! I am metro-sexual. You hear? _**Metro-sexual**_!"

"I think a cloak would be nice," said Konan as she made an origami angel out of her note paper. "Unlike Deidara, I don't feel a need to wear something skin-tight and form-fitting. A cloak says danger and it also leaves some for the imagination. It's much more subtle than a leotard."

Deidara thought of approximately one-hundred rude names for Konan in his head. He'd like to call her each one, but didn't have that kind of time so he chose his favorite. "You stupid ho!" Konan pretended not to hear, which further angered Deidara. "Are you listening to me? I called you a stupid ho!" No response from Konan. "Did you hear me?"

"Could we put a purple bow on it?" Orochimaru asked, smiling slyly at Itachi. He could see Itachi looking super handsome and young if he wore a purple bow around his waist. Itachi pretended not to notice Orochimaru as his tongue lolled out of his mouth hungrily. Orochimaru's hand leered close to his buttocks when Itachi decidedly snatched it in an iron-grip. The Sannin cried out in pain, but made no attempt to fight further as he withdrew to the corner of the meeting table, scooting his seat several inches away from Itachi.

Konan flashed a smile. "I do like your idea for purple accents."

"If we put purple anywhere on the outfit, consider my resignation a done deal," screeched Deidara. He would not be ignored, and he would _not _wear purple.

Pain flipped the page on his giant-sized notepad to reveal a fresh page. He drew out an Akatsuki member in a black cloak with red clouds. "Like this?"

"I don't like hoodies," Zetsu said. "I can't wear them."

Kisame and Hidan snickered at this.

"What? What did I say?" demanded Zetsu as a look of confusion spread across his botany.

"How about… How about…"

"Yes, Itachi?" Pain stood up, hands clutching the edge of his desk out of sheer thrill. He could feel a breakthrough coming from their Sharingan-flashing member.

"A big ass popped collar."

"Yes!" Pain cried out in ecstasy. The other members gazed upon him with wide, critical eyes. Pain scowled. "Don't judge me. I just got a little excited." He may have even peed a little. Pain drew out the final design for their new uniforms on a brand new page and held it high into the air so his fellow Akatsuki members could see.

"I want to try it on!" Tobi cried as he leapt up, scrambled on top of Pain's shoulders and shoved his head through the notepad, puncturing it so that his head had gone all the way through. It gave the appearance he was wearing the Akatsuki outfit that Pain had drawn. "How's it look everyone?"

Pain grabbed Tobi and threw him carelessly aside. "Okay so that's the outfit we're all going to wear. Kakazu, you're treasurer and insignia so you order the outfits for us. I want them here in two days. Any questions?"

Hidan raised his hand.

"Yes, Hidan?" Pain sighed. It was 7:50pm, just enough time for him to run upstairs, make popcorn for him and Konan, and sit down for their show.

"I think we should recite our rules and regulations before we adjourn the meeting." Hidan's eyes narrowed suspiciously as he looked from member to member. "Some of us don't know how to keep secrets. They need to be reminded that what's said in this meeting room stays in this meeting room." He had been careful not to single anyone out, but they all knew which member he was trying to accuse: Orochimaru. He'd been up to no good lately, conducting strange experiments in his room in his down time and being a little too secretive, even for the Akatsuki. However, Orochimaru feigned innocence when the other members looked to him.

"Okay, let's say the rules together now."

The Akatsuki members all took a deep breath and began to recite the rules in unison, except Tobi who didn't know the rules and just stared in awe.

"Rule #1: You do not talk about the Akatsuki.

"Rule #2: You do _**NOT **_talk about the Akatsuki.

"Rule #3: If a Jinchuuriki says 'stop' or goes limp, taps out, the fight is over. We need them alive.

"Rule #4: Only two guys to a Jinchuuriki hit man team.

"Rule #5: One Jinchuuriki per Akatsuki member.

"Rule #6: Wear your Akatsuki trademark nail polish and personalized ring at _all _times. No exceptions.

"Rule #7: We will go on as long as we have to, as long as it takes to achieve our extremist perception of peace and dominate the world.

"Rule #8: If this is your first time trying to achieve world domination, you _have _to fight."

"Rule #9: Tobi is good boy!" Tobi hollered, chock full of enthusiasm, but everyone ignored him.

Pain slammed down the gavel a little too hastily and almost got Deidara's fingertips with it, but he prissily removed them before it had come down. "Meeting adjourned!"

**Author's Note: **Tune in next time for more _That Akatsuki Cray! _Leave a review and let me know what you think otherwise Deidara will attempt to make out with you with _both_ his unsightly hands.


	3. Facebook Drama

**Author's Note**: In this 3rd chapter of _That Akatsuki Cray! _The members of the Akatsuki get into some Facebook drama. Italics are statuses/posts/comments. **)) **Signifies a reply. Hopefully you're up to date on web or Facebook-lingo so you get this.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Naruto or any of these hilarious Akatsuki Members. I don't own Facebook either.

**That Akatsuki Cray!**

**Chapter Three: Facebook Drama**

Deidara giggled as he logged into Facebook. He was so excited because he had recently agreed to using the new Timeline feature and had made his cover photo a montage of pictures of what he deemed to be his best work. He was certain that everyone was jealous of his cover photo. He quickly updated his status to say, _Feeling sassy and explosive today! Can't wait to go to my Akatsuki meeting with the teammates so we can plot something dangerous. Today's gonna be a bang!_

"20 notifications?" Deidara exclaimed. What a popular fellow he was. He grinned, somehow inwardly knowing that there was no way that Konan had that many notifications. She may not have known it, but Deidara had made her his Facebook rival. He was determined to strive for more "likes" on his statuses, pictures, links, and whatever else he wanted to post. Deidara pressed the notifications link to see just why he was so popular. He couldn't hide his amusement and thrill.

**DEIDARA'S NOTIFICATIONS**

_Sakura Haruno has accepted your friend request. Write on Sakura's wall._

_Sakura posted on your wall, "Do I know you?"_

_Tobi poked you._

_Tobi likes your status._

_Tobi commented on your status update, "Deidara, you're so funny! ^.^"_

_Tobi likes your photo._

_Tobi commented on your photo, "So fierce! XD"_

_Tobi tagged you in a post._

_Tobi said he was with you near The Akatsuki Secret Hideout._

_Tobi likes your comment, "Ew wtf purple hair? Really?"_

_Tobi likes your comment, "DRAMATIC. SASSY. AND BOLD."_

_Tobi likes your comment, "My man Sasori, GET IT RIGHT. Art is a BANG!"_

_Tobi shared a link on your wall._

_Tobi posted on your wall, "Hi, Deidara!"_

_Tobi has invited you to play Farmville._

_Tobi has invited you to play Castleville._

_Tobi has invited you to play Texas Hold'em._

_Tobi has invited you to play War Comander._

_Tobi has invited you to play 1 vs. 100._

_Tobi has invited you to try MyCalendar – Birthdays. _

Deidara screeched and shook his laptop. They were almost all notifications from Tobi, that stupid swirly masked retard. "Damn you, Tobi! Blowing up my facebook with your stupid gaming requests and all your freaking likes! _Ridiculous_!" Here he had thought that he was popular. Every single notification had been Tobi sending him a request in a worthless facebook app game. He was beginning to regret adding Tobi as a friend. He should have just ignored that friend request or even blocked him. He wondered if the other members were bombarded with as many gaming requests from Tobi. He'd get the little freak back later and blow up _his _Facebook by bombing him with a billion notifications.

He decided to look up Sasuke Uchiha's profile. Broody as ever. His profile picture was one of him scowling. It was clearly photoshopped with an instagram looking effect. Sasuke thought he was so cool. Deidara rolled his eyes looking to the upper right corner of the webpage. It still read _Friend request sent_. Sasuke _still _ hadn't accepted his friend request. This really, really ticked Deidara off. He went onto Sasuke's wall , which was public, to see what he had been up to lately and that if perhaps he just hadn't received the request yet.

His last post was 30 minutes ago.

**SASUKE'S STATUS UPDATE**

_**Sasuke:**__Screw this bell test. I got stuck with stupid ass teammates— at Konohagakure Training Field_

"Whatever." Deidara tried to laugh it off by giving his beautiful head of hair a little toss. He could feel his fabulosity percentage raise by at least 3 points. "I don't need his Facebook friendship!"

He decided to see how things were going in their secret Akatsuki Members group. The newest post in there was from Orochimaru. "Please," Deidara said as he rolled his eyes. Deidara's fingers began to fly all over the keyboard as he typed a heated reply to Orochimaru's post.

**AKATSUKI MEMBERS GROUP PAGE**

_**Orochimaru:**__ I know I've said this before, but has anyone seen my scroll with forbidden jutsu? It seems I've misplaced it yet again. I'd hate to think that my fellow Akatsuki members stole it from me so I'm just going to ask if anyone's seen it. I don't want to point any fingers, but Zetsu, keep an eye out for it._

_**))Deidara:**__ Oro, nobody cares if you lost your stupid scroll. Why would we steal it? I know we're S-Rank Criminals, but you're being offensive by posting this in Akatsuki group. Make it a regular status. Damn._

Deidara smirked to himself, loving his reply. He'd hoped that it would elicit some sort of facebook fight. Tickled, he waited eagerly for the notification to pop up in his menu.

_**))Orochimaru:**__ You probably stole my scroll and that's why you're being all defensive on here. This group is for ALL the members. You don't make the rules. Go make out with your hands and screw off!_

"I'll fix him," Deidara said to himself. Deidara opened up the group's Facebook chat. He didn't care if other members of the Akatsuki were online and could see the fight or even participated in it—the more the merrier.

**AKATSUKI GROUP CHAT**

_**Deidara:**__ I'm not into weird fetishes like you are, Oro, so don't even talk about my hands. Anyway, I didn't take that stupid ass scroll of yours, but I wish I did so that I could run it through the shredder in front of you at the meeting that's in an hour._

_**Kakazu: **__Out of curiosity, how much would said scroll be worth if someone were to sell it on the black market? JW._

_**Orochimaru:**__ Don't even think about selling my precious scroll if you find it! I'll beat you to a pulp!_

_**Hidan:**__ Kakazu, I can't believe you! Orochimaru is devastated because he lost his forbidden jutsu scroll and all you can think about is finding it and selling it on Ebay behind his back. That's SO like you. I'm so embarrassed to have you as a partner. You really need to grow up and realize it's not always about the money. You should try listening to that Jessie J song, "Price Tag". It suits you._

_**Orochimaru: **__ Thank you for understanding, Hidan. :')3_

_**Hidan:**__ Np. :) _

_**Kisame:**__ Aw, how cute. Hidan and Orochimaru are being gay with each other. :D  
><em>

_**Hidan:**__ WTF? Fuck you, mermaid! _

_**Kisame:**__ Wouldn't you like that? Ur so gay._

_**Hidan:**__ I'm out. I'm not gonna deal with this BS. Oro, hope you find your scroll. If the mermaid took it, let me know and I'll get his thieving fish hide with my triple-blade. ;) _

_**Kisame: **__^^GAAAAAYYYYY. _

_**Pain:**__ As leader of the Akatsuki and as admin of the Akatsuki fb group, I'd like to remind everyone of the Akatsuki-related topics only rule. Sorry, Orochimaru but your scroll should be a status update or even a note, not a post in the group. Just want to make sure we're not spammed in the group and keep everything Akatsuki-friendly._

_**Deidara:**__ HAH! In YOU'RE face!_

_**Zetsu: **__Mufufufufu. Lulz. Deidara can't spell! _

_**Deidara: **__ I meant **YOUR_

_**Pain:**__ Deidara, stop blowing up this facebook chat. It's for emergency uses only. Not gossiping or facebook drama. We don't want another incident, do we?_

_**Deidara:**__ No…_

Deidara went offline/invisible from facebook chat but didn't log off just yet. "Duuuuuumb." What the hell was up with Pain? He could screw off along with Orochimaru, Konan and Hidan. He was annoyed with all of them now. He decided to make his own secret facebook group so that he could do whatever he wanted. He'd be the admin of it and be able to discuss anything he felt like in the group. He liked the thought of being in control. He titled it _That Akatsuki Cray! _ He purposely wouldn't let Konan be a member of the group. He didn't want her arrogant origami flower wearing self to be in it. Too bad for her because his new Akatsuki group was going to be the SHIZ. If Sasuke finally got around to accepting his friend request, he'd probably add him in there too just for shits and giggles.

**- CHECK-IN: **_** The Akatsuki Secret Meeting with Pain and 9 others**_**-**

"Now that business is over, do we have any announcements?" Pain's eyes scanned the room to see his partner Konan's hand was raised. "Yes, Konan?"

"I'm really offended because apparently Deidara made a facebook group and the only Akatsuki member that isn't in it is me. Tobi's even in it." Konan put her finger to her cheek, pretending to wipe a tear away. She wasn't distressed. She just wanted to irk Deidara and get him in trouble. He could see right through the crocodile tears. "That's not all. Deidara's statuses are so rude and are always directed towards me. He's always saying how he wants to blow up some origami-loving shinobi."

"I object!" Deidara cried. "Konan, you're _so _self-centered. You are not the only origami-loving shinobi around. I know a lot of origami-loving ninja. So stop acting like that was about you. My Facebook does _not _revolve around you. Shit."

Konan ignored him and continued, "I also feel that Deidara posts inappropriate pictures on Facebook too. He posts a lot of bathroom pictures of himself flipping the camera off in his Akatsuki uniform. I just think it's disrespectful. I feel offended by it. What are others going to think of the Akatsuki when they see pictures posted like that on Facebook?"

Deidara crossed her arms. "Oh yeah? What about your Facebook pictures of you partying somewhere sketchy with a red cup in your hand while you're wearing your Akatsuki cloak? I'm _offended. _I think that we should have some standards on that issue. No party whoring it up in the Akatsuki uniform."

"Wow, really Deidara?" Orochimaru demanded.

"What?"

"You just posted on Facebook about this meeting and how if people are so offended by your Facebook pictures then they shouldn't look. You're so immature."

"Stop Facebook stalking me!"

"It comes up on my newsfeed," Orochimaru retorted, defensively as he shoved his phone in Deidara's face. His Facebook app flashed on the screen. He pointed to his newsfeed to prove to Deidara that he wasn't Facebook creeping on him.

"Ladies, please." Kisame intervened, placing his sword Samehada in between the two, before things got too out of hand. "It's just Facebook. I think everyone's taking it too seriously. This is why I rarely get on. We should all learn from Itachi. He hardly posts anything and minds his own business on Facebook."

"Speaking of Itachi," Deidara said, "I'm _soooo _sick of the _You lack hatred_ posts. Like what is that even about? It's so stupid."

"You wouldn't understand." Itachi glared at Deidara, Sharingan flaring and ready to go. "Your statuses lack meaning."

"Your face lacks meaning. All I understand is that you make all your status updates public so Sasuke can see them and get even more fired up about stuff. It's really annoying."

"Enooouuuuugh!" Pain roared. "No more Facebook drama. I've heard enough. Deidara quit being a little bitch online and take your inappropriate pictures down. No more photos flipping off the camera in your Akatsuki uniform. Konan, no more pics with red cups or alcohol either. It's downright tacky. Stop cyber-bullying one another and act like Akatsuki members. Our mission is to capture the tailed beasts, not to bitch on Facebook. Meeting adjourned." He slammed down his gavel decisively. He smiled fondly to it. He had found it at a yard sale a few months back and wrestled an old woman for it. He just knew it would come in handy one day.

All the Akatsuki members left, feeling quite moody. It was evident in their Facebook statuses they'd written that evening after the meeting. Some of them hadn't been very vocal during the meeting, but that didn't mean they weren't going to vent on Facebook. It seemed that Pain's rebuke hadn't gotten through to any of them. He frowned as he sifted through his newsfeed.

**PAIN'S NEWSFEED**

_**Deidara:**__ Wow, that meeting was a waste of my time. Got yelled at and chewed out by a bunch of retarded-ass rogue ninjas. Stupid day! Sleepies now so I'm going to bed. LMS (like my status) if you agree that purple hair SUCKS! _

_**Zetsu:**__ Wish that I had used my Don't Ask Don't Tell excuse for the meeting tonight so I wouldn't have had to deal with everyone PMSing. Bee-tee-dubs, if anyone's looking for a green plant hook-up let me know. I'll be at the usual rendezvous point. Hmu (hit me up)!_

_**Konan:**__ I LOVE my naturally purple hair. People, LMS if you agree!_

_**))Tobi:**__ LOOOOVEEEEE your purple hair, Konan!_

_**))Deidara:**__^^Tobi you are SUCH a fb troll. DISLIKE._

_**Hidan: **__Praise Jashin that damned meeting is over! Holy shit that was a long and pointless meeting! Anyone wanna fb chat and talk about self-torture? I'm feeling masochistic! ;D_

_**Orochimaru:**__ If anyone sees a forbidden jutsu scroll, please, please, PLEASE message me or text me because I really need to find it. It has some very important forbidden jutsu on there that I need to master ASAP because I've almost used up this body and rly need to take over a new one, hopefully one with a sweet ass kekkei genkai. Anyway, the scroll has my initials on it. Hmu if you know anything about it!_

_**))Kabuto:**__ ^^LOL! _

_**Kakazu:**__ I'm selling a forbidden scroll. Make me a deal and I'll bargain with you on the price. (And no, Orochimaru it isn't your missing one!)_

_**))Orochimaru:**__ You LIAR! I know it's my scroll you have!_

_**))Kabuto: **__^^HAHAHAHAHHA!_

_**Sasori: **__ Like art, what you post or say on Facebook is eternal. It's saved as a digital file forever so be careful what you post. ;) Btw, anyone know what time the marionette show is tomorrow? I'm supposed to make an appearance and don't know when I'm supposed to show up. I hate waiting so I'd hate to keep others waiting too. :/_

_**Itachi:**__ You lack hatred. You lack hatred. You lack hatred. (And Deidara, your status lacks meaning!)_

_**))Sasuke:**__ Fuck you! I'm gonna kill you one day, just you wait!_

_**))Deidara:**__ YOUR FACE LACKS MEANING YOU ASSHOLE. ^^Sasuke, I hope you do! Btw, I sent you a friend request so add me ;)_

_**Kisame:**_"_Yeah nigga I'm about my business. Killing all these rappers (ninjas) you would swear I had a hit list. Everyone who doubted me is asking for forgiveness. If you ain't been a part of it at least you got to witness. Bitches!" –Drake, muhh favorite rapper.__ ;D  
>Kay, so some1 called me a mermaid 2x today &amp; I ain't gonna lie, it RLY pissed me off. Does anyone else think I'm a mermaid or think that's even funny? Bc I sure DON'T! If this guy keeps it up, we're gonna have a COMPLICATION.<br>_

_**))Suigetsu: **__That's rude. Just because we're a little on the fishy-looking side and are aquatic don't mean shit! We're not mermaids. We're MER-MEN! ;O_

_**))Kisame: **_PREACH!_ Btw, how's your brother doing?_

_**))Hidan:**__ Get over it, MERMAID. ;D_

_**))Sasori:**__ Kisame, get off Facebook. You know that I hate waiting and I've been waiting for 15 minutes now. Are we going to go catch The Little Mermaid in 3D at the movies or what?_

_**))Hidan:**__ ^^HAH! Proves my point. _

_**))Kisame:**__ AT Hidan, STFU. You mad bc ur gay, bro? ;)  
>AT Sasori, Yeah, yeah stop bitching. I'm signing off right now. Be there soon.<em>

_**Tobi:**__ That awkward moment when you're going to pop in on an Akatsuki meeting to see if they'll induct you as a member then overhear them talking about Facebook drama and decide it's best to sit this one out. Just wish I hadn't made the trip. Anyway, TOBI IS GOOD BOY!1!1!1!1_

Pain decided to post a Facebook status of his own. He just didn't care anymore. People could take it how they like because he was just going to say what was on his mind. Everyone else did.

_**Pain:**__ Bitch. Bitch. Moan. Moan. STFU!_

He rubbed at his temples and groaned. "I really hate Facebook."

**Author's Note: **That's the end of the chapter. Wrote it on an impulse because I was trolling Facebook and laugh at Facebook drama that people have. It inspired this chapter. Have you ever had Facebook drama? Haha. The Akatsuki sure have!


	4. The Best Night Ever: Part 1

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Naruto or any of these cray Akatsuki Members.

"**Bro-cab" Lesson: **DTF: Down to F ;), Grenades: Big unattractive women, Landmines: Skinny unattractive women, H.A.M.: Hard as a Mofo, Deuces: See you later, Po/Popo: Police, Crib: House or residence, Kouka: Female reproductive organ, murse: man-purse, juiced up: steroid-induced, shredded meat head: insulting name for a guy who lacks no brain but has an abundance of muscles.

**Note: **You may need to brush up on your Spanish for some of this, but don't let that deter you because the translations are included. ;)

**That Akatsuki Cray!**

**Chapter Four: Fucking Best Night Ever Part I**

Better watch out now because here the Akatsuki come. All ten members had traveled together for this occasion because tonight was a very crucial part of their lives as affiliates of an evil organization. They wouldn't stop until the morning sun. They were here to grab someone, but not Jinchuuriki. They weren't coming around to hurt anyone.

No Akatsuki business tonight. This was a pure pleasure kind of endeavor.

Shots. Music. Fist pumping. Going H.A.M. Chicks and dicks. Good times.

No grenades tonight, or so he hoped. He'd like to think that the Akatsuki Crib would remain a Grenade Free Zone, but had to reluctantly admit that his game wasn't at its fullest tonight. Granted, he didn't have to bring his A-Game to show up every other member of the Akatsuki at the club, but he really wasn't feeling any kind of game tonight. Not when he had taken his troubled mind with him to the club. He had meant to leave the Akatsuki troubles at home, but he was feeling frustrated that he was yet to catch a tailed beast. He realized that it would take time to capture some of them, but wasn't he superior to Deidara who had already successfully caught the One Tail? Kisame was still working on capturing the Nine Tails. Not that his Jinchuuriki-capturing partner Itachi was much help these days.

That was another worry. Itachi hadn't been himself lately. His usual reserved demeanor hadn't transitioned into a different persona, but Kisame had noted some changes in the way Itachi had pursued the Nine Tails. He hadn't been as fervent about it. Kisame hated to think that their Bromance could possibly be at stake. The two had gone through everything together…

Maybe Itachi was losing more than his eyesight lately. He hated to think the worst of his partner, but maybe Itachi was losing his mojo.

Kisame frowned as he pushed his way through the crowded club. The other Akatsuki members had branched out temporarily to lay some ground work. They were all looking for the DTF chicks tonight. He wasn't sure if they'd all get lucky, but he was certain that if he put his troubles behind him, there was no way he wouldn't get lucky. No one scored chicks like he did. He was the Complication.

Some days he was the Akatsuki Complication, extract your tailed beast Complication, sacred sword-wielding Complication, and steal your girl bang your girl Complication. He was a pretty deep dude.

The ladies loved that kind of Complication.

Kisame chased his worries away down with a few shots of some very strong tequila. He could feel his cocky self returning as his shoulders loosened. His stomach got that warm pleasant feeling in its pit, promising him tonight would be a good one after all. What a great buzz.

"First of all I'm a boss," he told a grenade when she asked him what his deal was when he had denied her a dance. He wasn't trying to get at that kind of girl at the club. He wasn't bringing anything less than an 8 home tonight. That was his goal. "Second of all, fill in the blanks without spilling your drink." His arm extended outward and pushed past her. He grimaced as he nearly lost an arm submerged in one of her rolls. _Third of all, hell naaaaaah! _ He suspected that not even Samehada could suck up all that fat and chakra.

He proceeded in the direction he was headed. He was going to just roll with Itachi for the night. Itachi was great at scoring the ladies without really trying. Ladies loved his aloof demeanor, like he was too cool for this scene. They liked the chase of someone who was hard to get, and Itachi always played hard to get. Kisame had admired his work. Although, sometimes Itachi made questionable choices because his eyesight wasn't the greatest, especially not at a club with the lights turned down and the blinding black lights. He'd seen Itachi bring home a grenade or two before.

"Kisame," Itachi greeted, as he nodded at a spicy Latin girl getting her grind on near the DJ. She was swaying her hips to the beat as she whipped her hair back and forth. Kisame stared at Itachi a bit in disbelief at the fact that he was able to spot out a hot chick that evening, especially at that much of a distance. Kisame eyed his Jinchuuriki-capturing partner suspiciously. Itachi must have had selective sight at times. And here Kisame was worried Itachi had his Sharingan eyes all over some grenade.

"I'm going in. Check my Spanish." Kisame honed in on his target like a predator because that's what he was. He was a great white shark in the deep blue sea, ready to take a chomp from his prey. This lovely lady was no exception. "Mamacita, ¿qué necesito? Soy ebrio. That's all the words I know."

Hell, he didn't know Spanish. Sure, he could shoot tequila from Costa Rica, but he really just knew margaritas and microwave pizza.

"¿Quieres bailar?" She asked him in a smooth voice as she tugged at him seductively. She uplifted her sultry eyes, giving him _the look. _ This chick had to be DTF. You don't make eyes like that at a guy and not be DTF. There were unspoken DTF laws.

Itachi had done well to wingman this one in for him. He'd have to find some way to thank him later. Maybe he'd dedicate his conquest to him by shouting, "Fire ball jutsu," during his tango with the chick.

He grinned, revealing his jagged teeth. Women were usually turned on by this. It was kind of like a Twilight vampire Complication.

"Ay, mujer!" Hidan cried. He pulled away the exotic woman from Kisame. "No bailes con él. El es un pendejo. Lo digo en serio." (Don't dance with him. He's a dumb ass. I'm serious.)

"What the fuck you just say, Hidan!" Kisame demanded, restraining the potent urge to strangle the cockblock. He turned to look to Itachi for help, but the Uchiha had disappeared into the crowd. He'd likely found a couple girls to occupy his time. Some partner. Not very reliable. Kisame had told that fool to check his Spanish and help him out a bit, but apparently all Itachi had been good for was landing Kisame in a Complication. Kisame was supposed to be the only Complication around here, not Hidan with his bitchy mermaid shit talking habits.

"¿Nos puede entender?" (Can he understand us?) She asked Hidan with a worried look.

Hidan rolled his eyes. "Tch, no! El puede besar mi culo. Que es una pinche sirena estúpida. Juro por Jashin. " (Tch, no! He can kiss my ass. He's a fucking stupid mermaid. Swear to Jashin). He let out a seriously obnoxious cackle escape from his lips in peals of wicked delight.

"¿Estás seguro?" (Are you sure?)

"Juro por Jashin. No habla español." (Swear to Jashin. He doesn't speak Spanish).

Kisame had had enough. "Come at me bro!" He snatched Hidan quickly in the blink of an eye. Hidan cursed loudly but the smug expression never evaporated. Kisame could smell the alcohol on Hidan's breath; see that his pupils were dilated and that his cheeks were flushed red. Hidan was nearly gone.

_T hat's how he is... a little bit of alcohol and throughout the night it gets worse and worse and worse, until voilà, Mr. Cockblock of the Century comes out and that's who he truly is_, Kisame thought spitefully. He set Hidan down. He didn't have time to take the cockblock down. He needed to search for new prey instead. He'd stay away from Hispanic girls from now on. He just didn't like the idea of Hidan talking shit in another language.

"Fuck this. Deuces."

However, Hidan was mistaken if he wasn't going to get him back. He _would _get him back.

He shook it off as best he could and moved on. He spotted Orochimaru dancing with some younger guy that looked like he'd only gotten into the club on a fake ID. Typical.

"He's too young for you, bro!" Kisame shouted over the music, hoping his voice would carry over to Orochimaru's ears. It probably had reached him too, but Orochimaru was too busy getting at that bump and grind action with his young prospect.

It was best to move on. He was not about to hang out with that loser anyway. Orochimaru wasn't even a good wingman either. All he did was talk about using people's bodies before his time was up. It sounded like a bad porn if you asked Kisame. Total turn off to the ladies.

He felt an alcoholic beverage splash over his right arm. He looked down to see droplets of someone's drink, confirming the offense. His eyes shot up, his hand already reaching for Samehada.

"Watch where you're going Fish Face!" slurred a juiced up shinobi. He couldn't have been any more experienced that a chunin, which meant dead meat to Kisame. His steroid induced mass didn't matter. This guy was still going to get what was coming to him, bodybuilder status or not.

Mistake number one was picking on a member of the Akatsuki. You should never trifle with any member of this evil organization. Mistake two was referring to Kisame as Fish Face. He didn't take kindly to those who commented his bluish complexion and gills. At least he was tanned, not a part of the pale crew.

"Come at me bro," Kisame growled as he swung Samehada skillfully. The Shark Skin sword lashed out, knocking strongly against the back of the shinobi's head. The shinobi wasn't down quite yet however. Those juiced up muscles of his had absorbed the shock and he'd managed to recover from the blow as he bounced back into a fighting stance. Kisame was undaunted. There was more where that came from. "Eat my spray tan!"

"Mermaid can fight, eh?" The shredded meat head snatched two kunai from the holster situated at his right leg. He hurled one kunai and then attacked with the other. Was he joking? A kunai versus Samehada? This guy was an idiot.

"Samehada and I will devour your soul!" Kisame rushed him in fake-out before reappearing behind him. He thrust his Shark Skin sword, slamming against the shinobi's ribs hard. He could hear the beautiful _craaack _and new he'd be out for a while. "Douche-bag!"

Bouncers appeared swiftly at Kisame's side. A few quick hand signs and _poof_! Kisame watched from a safe distance as the bouncers escorted a water clone out of the club. The others were tending to the shinobi who was definitely down for the count. He moaned in agony as they tried to pull him away from the dancing crowd. Most were throwing elbows and had unintentionally battered the ocean-prejudiced shinobi

"Could you have created more of a scene?" Konan asked, rolling her eyes. "You're so insecure."

Kisame grimaced. He was beginning to understand why Deidara had such a problem with the origami-user. She was a bit stuck up at times. She was good at not only putting Deidara in a bad mood, but putting him in one as well. He decided he'd have fun with her if she was going to maintain her snotty attitude.

Without warning, Kisame pressed his body against Konan's and wrapped his arms around her to hold her steadfastly. "That's not my sword you're feeling." He winked at her.

A look of utter shock and disgust crossed her face. _Poof! _

Kisame blinked. A total grenade was squealing in his arms excitedly, thrusting her lips at him for sweet Kisame kisses.

_**HELL NO!**_

Kisame managed to gain control over his movements again once the shock had worn off. He attempted to push her away, but she was very strong, more so than she had appeared to be. Her arms were now crashing down around him, eager to squeeze the life from him. He wondered frantically if this is what the Reaper Death Seal was like.

Damn Konan and her last minute substitution jutsu! Well-played as it was, he'd return the favor sometime soon. However, that was something he'd worry about later. He _had _to find a way to get rid of this grenade. Searching desperately around the club for an escape, he caught sight of Zetsu popping ecstasy pills. He had a whistle in his mouth, screaming with the music as he thrust his hips in the direction of women.

Kisame grinned. An escape no jutsu was about to occur.

"Hey, my friend over there," Kisame said as he pointed to Zetsu, "just loves big women with curves." Zetsu wasn't really a chubby-chaser. That was more Kakazu's deal. However, it was an out and Kisame was going to take it. If he could just pawn her off…

"He does? It takes a real man like that to handle all this woman!" cried the Mother of All Grenades as she finally released Kisame. She stepped back to get a better look at Zetsu, meanwhile Kisame got a better look at her. No amount of drinks would make him beer goggle hard enough to bang this chick. Tah-tahs were hanging low like utters on a cow. Not attractive at all. Usually, Kisame liked to think of himself as a boob kind of guy, but even this was just way too much. He felt like if he got too close, she'd be ready for a milking.

Her belly hung over the tight shorts she was wearing, rolls flying everywhere from all parts of her blob body, all screaming _I want nom-noms! _Her legs had managed to slip themselves in a pair of heels that threatened to cave and break under the pressure they were under. This was like grenade warfare.

There was no way Kisame would even take this grenade for the team. Typically, a grenade had snuck her way into a group of hotties as the lone fugly she-beast. Her hot friends wouldn't put out unless they knew for sure their busted-looking girlfriend was getting some actions herself. In this case, a brave bro would save the platoon by honorably jumping the grenade, allowing them to have a chance at banging the hotties. More often than not, the grenade got laid and the hotties would leave the other guys to blue-ball.

Right about now, Kisame was counting his lucky starfish that this wasn't the scenario tonight. He didn't have to take any hit for the team. All he had to do was outwit the enemy so that she wouldn't take him hostage.

"Yo, Zetsu!" Kisame called out, capturing the botanical shinobi's attention instantly. Once Zetsu had turned his head and waved him over, Kisame made like a shark and dived out of view.

Barf. Kisame had vanished as fast as he could, not giving the girl any time to look back at him. He took cover in the men's room where he unleashed the contents of his stomach. He'd like to blame the alcohol for this one, but he was afraid it was the grenade's repulsive appearance that had caused his stomach to hideously churn.

When Kisame returned from the bathroom, he was cautious not to get too close to where he had last seen Zetsu and the grenade. He put enough distance between them before sneaking a peak over to them.

He gave a wicked cackle, delighted with the execution and outcome of his plan. Zetsu was raving, glow sticks and all, and the grenade was attempting to give him a lap dance as she straddled him. He was too far gone to even truly notice or be fully aware of what was going on. Hopefully, Kisame wouldn't have to hear Zetsu bitch about this later. It was his fault for being cross-faded all the time. Maybe if he tried to just be drunk, shit like this wouldn't happen. That's why Kisame just drank. He drank _a lot. _But he figured he still had pretty good judgment whether he was intoxicated or not. Even when he was smashed as a mofo, he never took home a chick that was less than a 4 on the hotness scale. That was his rogue ninja way.

Kisame decided to join up with Deidara, Sasori and Kakazu. They seemed to be having a good time at least. They were in the center of the dance floor, hitting up the beats and fist pumping. Fist pumping was one of Kisame's favorite dance moves and it looked like Sasori was going H.A.M., getting his groove on like no other. There was a crowd surrounding him, cheering him on and everything.

Kakazu looked like he was hooking up with grenades and landmines all night. The Akatsuki knew him as Kakazu but you could probably call him Sloppy Joe instead. It seemed more fitting, especially right now. Kisame could recognize a few of the chicks as ex-conquests of Hidan, who didn't really have standards. He saw all conquests as sacrifices to Lord Jashin, which was another turn off to the ladies if you asked Kisame. His comrades needed some serious advice about how to hook up and handle the ladies.

"I like my women like I like my clothing. Options." Kakazu tried to play it off smoothly, like he'd hit the jackpot with his grenades and landmines. Kisame rolled his eyes. This guy thought he was a smooth operator. In reality Kakazu was known to take home the fugliest of chicks back to the Akatsuki Crib. Not smooth at all, in Kisame's opinion. One time he took home two pair of lesbians, and they were _not _anything to brag about. They were as dike as possible. It didn't matter if Kakazu had the two-at-once experience. If it was with landmines, it wasn't by any means a hook-up worth mentioning.

"No, you like your women like you like your underwear. Dirty." Deidara let out several peals of laughter. Kisame chuckled himself. Deidara was kind of a little bitch at times, but he still had a pretty good sense of humor. That was something Kisame could admire and appreciate.

Just then, Konan had emerged from the crowd. She curtly pushed past them, pretending she hadn't noticed them. Yet she callously slammed her shoulder into Deidara as she brushed through, nearly sweeping a drunken Deidara off balance. He was no longer laughing, but Kakazu had let out a snicker.

"You've got to be kidding me!" Deidara whirled around, again almost falling. His face had distorted itself into a vehement scowl. Konan bore a minute smile on her face. The deed was definitely intentional. "I will fucking attack you like a squirrel monkey!" Deidara leapt above the crowd, practically surfing atop everyone as he attempted to make his way toward Konan. She had already made her escape from his reach, nearing the exit of the club. Deidara would never reach her in time and once she'd found her way out of the club, she'd certainly vanish.

However, Konan lingered at the doorway of the exit. She grinned mischievously as she lifted a red cup into the air. With her free hand she pulled down her top to reveal that she had been wearing a sluttish form of her Akatsuki garment underneath. There was no mistaking the red clouds against black fabric. Then she lifted that same hand high into air and gave Deidara the middle finger, exclaiming, "Fuck you, Dee Dee. I'm wearing my Akatsuki shit, got diamonds on my neck and patron in my cup! I don't give a fuck!"

She then cocked her arm back, aimed and threw with rogue ninja precision and force. Deidara had tried to dodge, had tried to get away, but crowd surfing and dodging did not go together. There was only so much he could do to get away and no matter how he struggled the crowd seemed to be holding him in place as if it had all been a giant set-up.

The red cup sailed through the air until it hit him square on the head and drenched him in alcohol.

Deidara let out a frustrated cry. Konan would pay. That bitch would _pay. _As soon as he found his way back to the ground level, he returned to the group pissy as ever. "Bitch threw her drink at me!"

"You're always _so_ dramatic," Kakazu said, skulking away with a grenade in the direction of the door. He was likely headed back to the house. Once you ran into a DTF chick, you took her back to the crib right away. You didn't mess around at the club anymore. You had to get in and get it out. That's how you played that game.

"Wouldn't you be pissed too, my man Sasori?" Deidara demanded, wondering why he couldn't get some kind of sympathy. What Konan had done to him was hitting below the rogue headband. She messed up his hair. You don't mess with Deidara's hair. Didn't she realize that his hair was the crucible of silkiness? Didn't she understand that now Deidara would have to brush his hair _100 more times_ after several sessions of rinsing and repeating?

Sasori shrugged. "I've been waiting for this scene to pick up so I can get my fist pump on, and it's not happening. I hate waiting so I'm out." The creepy puppet master turned his great wooden back to them and headed off in the direction of the exit as well. "Peace, nigga!"

"My evening is ruined. I gotta head back to the hideout now. I can't stay here like this with my hair totally fucked up," Deidara explained to Kisame, completely disheartened by his sopping wet hair. Normally, he'd totally own the wet hair look, but this wasn't water. This was alcohol. There was no way in hell Deidara was going to stick around the club with his hair like that. He couldn't let people see his hair at anything less than 110 percent.

The blonde began to rush toward the exit of the club. He'd already spent way too much time in shock over Konan's actions. Who knew how many people had already taken witness to Deidara's messed up hair. He was certain that pictures were being uploaded to Facebook right now, tagging him as they said rude and hateful things about his hair. They probably tagged Konan too, congratulating her on her feat.

And where was Pain in all this? Their leader was nowhere to be found! Wasn't he supposed to be keeping the peace of the Akatsuki members, making sure they all played nicely? No, he was probably off in the club, letting everyone take belly shots off him. Some leader. _Ridiculous._

Deidara felt like every one of them was such a big slut sometimes. No sense of dignity or self-respect. Plus, they were all just assholes. Hidan was a rude motherfucker most of the time, Orochimaru was hitting on young men constantly, Zetsu was selling drugs outside the club in some dark alley, Konan was slutting it up showing her kouka to everyone and Itachi was probably lighting shit on fire with his Amaterasu like a pyromaniac.

Even his man Sasori was on thin ice. His lack of empathy had pissed Deidara off. Next time Sasori bitched about puppet splinters, Deidara sure as hell wasn't going to console him. He was on his own.

Deidara whipped out his cell phone from his Akatsuki murse (man-purse). He selected his Facebook app so that he could update his status. He _needed _to vent.

**DEIDARA'S STATUS UPDATE**

_**Deidara:**__ Bitches ain't shit! Seriously trying to fuck up my hair at the club because you have the fugliest effing hair I've ever seen just makes you a jealous beezy. Everyone knows, especially when you make your envy sooooo obvious. Anyway, you're a stupid ho, and you better sleep with one eye open tonight. I might just implant some explosives in your bed tonight when you take some nasty man home to bang. Then you'll both REALLY have a BANG! Come at me, ho! ;) _

Venting on Facebook _always _helped him to feel better when others, namely Konan, tried to bring him down. It was like he was announcing to the world that he was one sassy little beotch who was a force to be reckoned with. He grinned when he saw his first "like" until he saw who it was.

_Tobi likes your status._

_Tobi commented on your status, "Deidara, you went to the club? Which one are you at? I'll meet up with you! Why u no invite me? " _

"Dee, wait up!" Kisame chased after the blonde. He'd followed him for two blocks nearly before deciding it was appropriate to approach. He hadn't wanted to be too quick to approach Deidara when he was still seething and fuming from Konan's psycho-bitch attack.

"You want a piece of me?" Deidara hissed, throwing his hands in front of them. The mouths on his hand opened up, viciously chomping toward Kisame's new threads.

"Bro, I was just gonna ask if you'd like to get some revenge with me. You down for a couple of pranks?" Kisame asked, whispering low so that no one could overhear them unless they were directly in front of them.

The look of irritation left Deidara's face instantly. His eyes narrowed as a satisfied smirk spread over his face. His hands had gone from an offensive position to becoming conspiring as he strummed his fingers together. "I do love sweet revenge," Deidara cooed. He brushed a hand through his hair, untangling a sticky knot from it. And this revenge would be sweet.

The two partners walked down the block with one another in the direction of the hideout. Let everyone get fucked up at the club and be bitches because these two unlikely partners in crime had a plan. And a very good one at that. They'd get back every single member tonight. No one would be exempt, not even their usual Jinchuuriki partners. They'd been all guilty of some sort of offense tonight, and revenge was very sweet so that's why you took a shot of vodka to help chase it down.

Had Kisame just become his best friend in one night? Because Deidara was really feeling this night.

"This suddenly became the fucking best night ever," Deidara surmised, shaking hands with Kisame in agreement to their deal of revenge they'd just secretly made together.

"Oh, it's about to be," agreed Kisame. He lifted his chakra-eating sword Samehada into the air, charged with exhilaration and vengeance. They'd both be getting their retribution for the transgressions of their fellow Akatsuki members. "Oh, yeah! Gonna get revenge, yeah! Yeah buddy!"

"Can Tobi be a good boy and join?" The mask wearing ninja had appeared out of the darkness. Deidara couldn't figure out how the idiot managed to keep sneaking up on them. How the hell had Tobi known which club, let alone which alley, to appear at? He was more than your average Facebook Stalker.

"Where did you come from? How the hell did you find us?" Deidara demanded, ready to smack him silly.

"Facebook, duh. Sasori just checked you all in!"

Deidara couldn't see behind his mask, but he had a feeling that Tobi was grinning from ear to ear. He rolled his eyes as annoyance flickered across his face. "You can't tag along."

"But pleeeaaaaseee," Tobi threw himself at Deidara, hugging him fiercely. Deidara tried to shake him off, but he had latched on too tightly to be taken down easily.

"No, you'll only get in the way!" Deidara shoved Tobi hard, but he didn't budge as his grip tightened. "You're cutting off my circulation you dumb _freaaaak_!"

"Let's take him along," Kisame offered. "I have an idea for how he can be of use."

"Yes! Yes! Yes! Tobi is a good boy!" Tobi finally released Deidara from his death grip only to prance around the vexed explosives user. Deidara wasn't too happy about Tobi coming along, but he trusted Kisame's judgment. If Kisame had a job for Tobi to perform, then Deidara wouldn't complain and allow the idiot to accompany them just this once. He wasn't in the mood for arguing anyway. He still had to wash his hair before setting out to execute their diabolical scheme.

"We'll meet at the rendezvous point at exactly 5am. That's when everyone will be passed out." Kisame said nothing more and turned his back to the two. He slung Samehada over his shoulder. Instead of rounding the corner to set off on the path that led to the Akatsuki Hideout, he crossed the street and went in the opposite direction. He needed to make a little trip to Super Wal-Mart in order to gather the supplies they needed for that night.

He whistled as he ambled along the streets as he passed drunken men and women. They were trying to find their ways home and hail a taxi before the popo hunted them down. Kisame didn't worry about things like that though because he was already a rogue ninja. The po had _nothing _on him or his fellow Akatsuki members. Because that shit cray!


End file.
